Not a creature was stirring.

The cat from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.

Inka was this |  | close to looking like the cat from the National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation yesterday. At least that's what Abe said when he ran into the living room. Oh, Abe. He's such the worrywart.

"I'm just messing with him," Inka said after pretending to gnaw on Christmas lights. "He's such a tool."

Come on now, Inka. He's not that bad. I mean, sure he worries about dog hair on the couch, and OK right... he's got this thing about making sure Inka's not clawing the coffee chairs. And, yeah, maybe he's a bit too concerned about paws off the table, but you know... he was only doing it for Inka's protection.

"Maybe we should put up those scats again," Elle says. No, please don't. Those scare the crap out of me. Seriously. Random PSSTs! going off left and right. It's enough to make me wet myself, and you sure as hell don't want that happening.


If Inka would just stop investigating the X-mas tree, perhaps maybe we could have a regular holiday. You know? Just us, chilling in the sun. Maybe a present or two. That's all I really want.

Well... Merry X-mas, anyway.

We are the Champions, my friends!

Champs.

Well, we're certified. Abe and I are. We're champions. Mostly, I did all the work, pulling his butt along, but you know, he did his part, too, I guess. He made up for our disastrous disqualification, our DDQ, a few weeks ago.

Us on the warm-up run.

Game faces on!

Today, we finished first at the Polar Paws 5k, and we sealed our place in the history of Polar Paws. Champs. Bam. We received the Rudolph Award, the first dog + human who lit the way. Winner. Man. Did Abe make up for it. He even dressed up like the big man himself. Red hat, t-shirt, shorts. Wow. Did we do a great job. I can't say enough about it. 

We even got our photos taken.

"Santa" and his "reindeer"

I think I like this running thing. What's next? Doing canine 10ks? Feline 15ks? Hamster halfs? Mongoose marathons? Uakari ultras? I don't know, but whatever it is. With Abe, I can't go wrong. Well, you know. It doesn't hurt to think positive, right? Abe's sensitive that way.

Festival of dead bird.

Somehow this is supposed to excite.

What the hell is that? No wonder Inka isn't all that enthusiastic about the "Festival of Dead Bird," er, I mean Thanksgiving.

I mean, normally Inka's all tripped out over fowl. Staring out the windows. Crouched down low and ready to pounce on whatever capon comes near.

Man, was she POed when Abe added little sticky doo-hickies to the glass so our fine feathered friends wouldn't sacrifice themselves to the window gods. Livid. I mean, making noise like there was no tomorrow.

Apparently, Inka's like, "Why do they put up these damn window doo-hickies, but buy some carcass instead?"

Pearl was like, "Clearly, you've never had THANKS-GIVING. This is the one time a year we get turkey bits. Don't mess this up, biatch!"

Then Pearl lunged for Inka's carotid artery, and Inka went flying down the hallway like some dove in a hawk's crosshairs.

Damn, girls. Settle.

I don't know what Inka's hoping for. Something leaner?

Anyway... Happy Thanksgiving. Maybe Inka and Pearl will be thankful. I know I am. Turkey bits for everyone!

PS. I seems Pearl and Inka have made up already. I tell you. They are cray cray.

Disqualified.

If only Abe would follow the lines. I mean seriously, did he ever color in primary school? Gee-sus.

I'm not nervous or anything.

Abe and I ran in my first 5k. Actually, it was only 2.6 miles. So something like 4.1k. He took a wrong turn which disqualified us from the race. Dumbass. Honestly, couldn't he see the arrow pointing us THAT WAY ---->!!! Instead he was so focused on the dude in front of him that he totally ignored my pulling and tugging him in the other direction. The man is a doofus.

We coulda won it all!

Alas... we were kicked out. Escorted off the course like some sort of common criminal. Once they called the cops, we made a run for the car. Oh well. Next up, the Polar Paws 5k. I'll be official yet!

She's my best friend.

Whew! It's been a while since I posted. Pearl and Inka have gotten along swimmingly. See? There's absolutely no suspicion in there eyes whatsoever!

Well, see. Look at that. We can all lay here together like a regular old family. Yep. You don't get any sense at all that Pearl want to throw Inka around like some squirrel. And Inka doesn't look at all like she wants to swipe Pearl across the schnoz one bit.

All in all, they've been getting along better. Especially since Abe and Elle went on a "vacation" to France, wherever the hell that is. I think they had it up to here <insert paw over my head photo> over the two of them fighting. Well, ever since they got back, and we returned from the "spa," Pearl and Inka have chilled out.

Now, if only I could get a vacation. Maybe to the beech somewhere.

BFFs?

Well, ain't that a hoot? I mean, who'd a thunk that they'd be like two peas in a pod? Like Bert and Ernie. Batman and Robin. Oh you get the picture.

Pearl and Inka are more like the odd couple.

I haven't figured out who is who though. Anyway... here they are:

This is about as peaceful as they'll get. Inka ignoring Pearl, and Pearl desperately trying to melt Inka with her stare. This was shortly before the shizzle hit the fan, so to speak.

Ah well... I guess this is just how it's going to have to be with these two. In all honesty, I'm a bit embarrassed by them.

Inka has been out and about exploring the outdoors, leashed of course. Can't have her running away, I said. Pearl grumbled that she'd wish she would run away. Instead, Inka gets to enjoy the spring sun.

Alas... spring has sprung. Enjoy!

Pearls out?

Haha! Made you look! No, Pearl's staying put. Man... did I have you going though.

This is Lily!

Unfortunately, a friend of a friend of a friend of a ... you know the drill, is looking for a new home though. Here's what the owner said:

Lily is about 4 years old, and is most likely a Pit Bull/Shar pei mix. Her owners are looking for a new home for her as they have recently had a baby. Lily has not adjusted well to the addition of the family member and has shown signs of aggression towards toddlers who have recently visited the home. This is a difficult decision for her current owners but they are working to find her a new home.

Lily was adopted from the Champaign County Humane Society in June 2010. Prior to that, it is believed that she lived someone who was homeless, and was most likely abused in the first 6 months of her life. She is most comfortable around women, and some men, depending on their demeanor. She does not do well around children of any age. She is housebroken, leash trained, crate trained, and knows some commands, like sit, down, and shake. She takes daily medicine to treat urinary incontinence, and eats a prescription diet to help prevent urinary tract infections. She gets along okay with cats but may have some food aggression with other animals in the house. She gets along fine with other dogs when she is outside and on a leash. She has had limited contact with other dogs indoors, so it is unknown how she act with another dog in a home.

If you are interested in meeting Lily, please contact me at jackaroo.me [at] gmail [dot] com.

Pearl ate Inka.

Has Inka disappeared? Pearl's been acting all guilty. Here she is at the door to Inka's room looking all ashamed.

"What did you do?" I asked her.

"Nothin," she replied.

Well, things have been silent now for a couple of days. Did Abe finally act on the "measurable progress" comment? Did Pearl eat the cat? That's just wrong.

Not only that, but there's been this "odor," shall we say, from Inka's room.

Wait... the phone is ringing. It's the vet. Ah. There we go. Pearl says Inka's fine. Nothing wrong. So that odor?

Abe's complaining again. "She's ruining the house!"

Oh it's one of those situations. I remember those days. You're in a new place. Not sure where you're supposed to go. Ha ha ha! Boy, were Abe and Elle mad when I used the basement as my going space! Tee hee!

It turns out they've been checking out Inka to make sure she's OK, but of course she's fine. Whew... dodged a bullet there.

Progress?

Well, geez. Can I get a treat? I mean, gee-sus. What does it take to get a little love? Who's the awesome dog? Who sits when you tell Pearl to? Who comes when Inka doesn't? I mean, I'm an overachiever. The least you could do is throw me a bone here.

I've heard Abe grumbling about "progress" being made. "I want to see some measurable progress made by the end of this week or the cat is gone," he said. You could hear the italics, whatever those are, in his words. I mean, he actually believes that? Hehe... Oh man, he is a dumbass. Like Elle would really allow him to take Inka back? Where is that boy from?

If he's looking for progress, he need look no further than this:

Granted, Pearl's eyes look pretty psycho and yeah, Inka is crouched down low and thinking about pouncing on that crate. She did that a few minutes after this photo was taken. Either Pearl was blinded by the flash or Inka blended into the brown couch behind her, but Pearl let her alone. Didn't bark much or anything. Sure, maybe she lunged once or twice, but that's better than nothing.

There you go, Abe. There's your progress if you really needed it. Pshaw... I've heard how he giggles ridiculously whenever Inka licks his earlobes and how he loses all reason when he gets on the floor and rolls around with her. Yeah, we used to do that too, I tell her. It doesn't last.

That's not entirely true. Abe and me get along just fine. Yes, Pearl. Better than fine. I'm just cranky, doing all the things good dogs do while Pearl gets like a million cookies for barking at Inka. Man.

Er, domestic tranquility.

Well, everything's wonderful. It's grand. Not a worry in the world. All five of us happy as can be. Pearl's dancing through a field of tulips. Abe's not hearing any whining or meowing of any sort. Nope. None whatsoever. It's like he's got cotton in his ears or something. Yep. We're just fine.

Oops. Where did that come from. No really. Everything's grand. Nothing's wrong. Right? Nada del mundo!

Crap. Fine. You've got me. Things are, well, challenging. That's how Elle puts it. Abe says it's *bleeped* up. Elle has always been the more diplomatic of the two, Pearl says. I've only been around these guys for two years so how would I know?

They missed my birthday the other day, by the way, but who's caring? It's not like a cat joins the family and oops, let's just forget to celebrate a milestone. You know, I'm only gonna get like 10 or 12 more of those. You know. Not important at all.

Anyway, me and Inka are buds. See?

Here we are chilling. Watching the snow melt. Well, not really. I've got my eye on that squirrel over there, and Inka's checking out the birds in the bushes. But yeah, we're good like that.

Pearl... well. She's not happy. But you know? How can you not be with this?

She gets to sit on the couch? What am I, chopped liver? But can you blame Abe and Elle? Would ya just look at them eyes?

Anyway. I'm mad at Pearl for being mad at Inka. I feel torn. Which girl am I gonna like more?

Here's a parting thought.

Oh, wait, you don't speak dog? It's "Get me the *bleep* outta here!"

Who is this?

Well, hello! You're like a small dog, right? So can we be friends?

Finally it's revealed that we have a new friend in the house. Someone has joined the pack. Become a member of the team. A new mascot maybe? IDK. All I know is that Pearl is livid. I mean, like damn girl, take a chill pill. Know what I'm saying? Geez.

Our new pal says her name is Inka. That explains why I thought Abe and Elle were going back to Peru. Turns out Inka is a cat. That's cool cuz I like cats. I mean, maybe not love `em. OK, she's pretty terrifying. Have you seen her take down a feather thingy?

Yeah. Scared me too.

But here we are all happy as a clam. Well, maybe not happy. Have I mentioned she scares the crap out of me?

Here I am all being tentative and stuff.

Inka is hunting me down here. I'm not that scared, am I?

Of course I'm confidently welcoming her into my house.

How's Pearl handling all this? Well, let's just say it's a work in progress.

So hopefully Pearl will settle. IDK. Abe and Elle seem pretty adamant about Inka staying. I heard `em myself.

Something wicked.

Now I know I'm not supposed to think this, but strange things have been happening since whatever is in the guest room arrived. It is a "guest," right? Like, it's not staying. For sure.

So like I said, the day IT arrived weird things started happening. Case in point. In the garage, Elle just got back from somewhere or something and BAM!

"Abe!" she yells.

"What?" he yells back. "What happened?"

"A spring sprung on the garage door," she said. "I mean, what's the luck in that?"

"Huh," Abe said.

He went back to whatever it was he was doing. Probably sitting there drinking coffee or reading the paper while Elle was doing all the work or something.

Then yesterday in the backyard this happened.

It's like a pigeon blew up. WOOSH!

Then Pearl found this.

What is this, and why is it in the office? That's my turf, yo!

Inka what?

What are these smells emanating from the room down the hall? I can't figure it out. Can't barely smell it myself. I know there's SOMETHING making noises down there. With ears like mine, I can hear that. Why have Abe and Elle put up the gate? I mean, they never put that at the mouth of the hallway.

Pearl says she smells something. She's a hound so I kinda believe what she says. She's always sniffing out trouble in the backyard like when a raccoon or opossum was there. I remember when the fox was in the neighborhood and she went ape-shit crazy, pardon my French, over that.

Elle said something about Inca, and I swear they weren't planning another trip to Peru because I know Abe talks about how he met some dude named Montezuma there and wouldn't like to meet him again.

Weird.

Pearl was able to smuggle this photo off of Abe's phone.

God, he's the worst photographer. Ever. Can't tell really what the heck this is. A feather? Honestly, who takes this photo and doesn't delete it immediately?

Anyway, what's afoot?

Kat?

I don't know who Kat is, but man, Abe and Elle are going on and on about this woman. I mean, geesh. Obsessive much?

Wait a minute.

Pearl says they don't mean Kat. They mean "cat."

I think it would be cool. Are they smaller versions of me? But Pearl might not care for a "cat." Whatevs. She'll get over it, right? I mean, yeah, she doesn't like Bailey and Fuji, but they are bigger. Right? "Cats" are small and stealthy. That's kinda Pearl like. Well, maybe not the small bit.

Wait, I heard Abe chatting with Elle about going to the "shelter" just to look. Is that the place they got me from? IDK. They were nice there for sure.

Anyhoo. We'll see.

Wanna play?

Wanna play?

I don't know why Abe keeps wanting to take photos of me. It's not like I'm some kind of model. And really, all I want to do is play. You know? Who wouldn't want to play. Still, he's got this thing about taking photos.

Anyway, Abe and Elle gave me a new toy for Christmas. I overheard them talking about how it was a cheap toy from a "stocking," whatever that is. I love it. It makes large amounts of noise and apparently it is tough to listen to early in the morning. At least that's what Abe says. He's always taking it away from me when it's like before 7 AM. Come on. That's prime play time!

Well, here's a video of it for posterity. You be the judge. Most annoying toy ever?

Dog parks are a crock of s*%*!

Yeah, Happy New Year. I've decided that dog parks are a crock. It's hard to imagine going to a dog park anymore. Especially when I can go to the faux dog park.

Abe and I go to the faux dog park every few days or so. It's a field behind a school nearby. Occasionally there are dogs there, but most times it's just Abe and me with the ball. Sometime Elle takes me, and that's a real treat. I'm resolved to go there more with both of them this year. Maybe even Pearl. I guess it depends on if I can convince Abe and Elle to go. :) I tell ya, sometimes it's tough twisting their arms.

Here's another reason real dog parks are for the dogs, er, irresponsible pet owners.

I think what Abe and Elle ought to do is set me up on dates with other dog friends they know like me and I like them. Like Penny, or Bailey and Wiley. Maybe even Fuji, although he's sort of a loner, doing his own thing. Looking all ambivalent. Whatevs.

Anyway, that's what I'm planning on doing in the new year. Getting me some face time with my four legged posse. FRIENDS, not strangers that get in yo face, puttin their nose you know where. Know what I'm saying?