Torturing puppies?

Nothing gets my big ears a burning than torturing puppies.* I KNOW! How can I think such a thing, you ask, but how else can you explain this?



I mean, what else would bring dozens of people to their knees weeping so earnestly. Imagine, if you will, the poor little defenseless puppy, all cute and cuddly, it probably has a cute wet nose even. Maybe she has a lazy eye, and, you know, if it weren't for the lame leg, would be the best dog ever. Kind of like this one:

Yes, I am this cute.

Or maybe this one:

Right back at'cha, buddy.

Or this one:

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Why would you ever want to hurt something wishing you a relaxing weekend? It's criminal, I tell you. C-r-i-m-n-a-l. Why, I think I ought to send a mass email or something, dew claws a typing, to all my friends and rally the troops, or march, or walk around the block. Maybe even protest or something.

Pearl noted that I misspelled criminal above. Sorry. I mentioned I have dew claws. Plus, it was in all capitals, and you probably missed it, too. Right?

Well, I mean, if I weren't a dog, which I am of course, I would cynically think these people were being forced to weep so openly for some dude who wore elevator shoes. I don't know what elevator shoes are, but Pearl says they're something people in tall buildings wear. Why you need special shoes for a building, I don't know. Pearl and I wear our shoes all the time, and they're called paws, so they say. Abe and Elle wear shoes, too, but not "elevators." Abe calls them "poop shoes," whatever that means.

Anyway, regardless of why these people are weeping, I kind of feel bad for them. I mean, something really bad happened, and they're probably really worried about the future, or food, or maybe how cold it is. It looks cold where they are. I hope they have warm coats.

*No puppies were harmed in the writing of this blog post.